5/13/2009

Unexpected Add & Message

I -really- wanted to make a Vlog instead of a Blog on this subject, but Cameron took his Webcam back. T^T He gave me a different one to use, but I can't find any video recording software to record videos. If you know of any (that are free), let me know. I really like Vlogging. :3 (I have Windows Vista, btw.)

~~~~

The other night, I logged onto Facebook and I had a message and a Friend Approval. I didn't really think anything of it, until I saw who it was.

DJ.

I was VERY surprised. I added him a few weeks ago, for some reason, and I didn't really expect him to Approve. I figured maybe he'd laugh and think "Yeah, right!" or send me a hate letter bitching me out for even trying something like that.

When I saw that the message I had received was from him, my heart skipped a few beats and my adrenaline started to pump like crazy. It was titled "...Hi". I was scared to death to open it. It took a lot of hesitation, but I opened it. At first I considered just deleting it without reading because I had figured that it was him bitching me out for adding him, and saying "I can't believe you're not over it blah blah", because I had received messages like that before in the past from Lex, Roxas, and Kit.

I starred at it for a while, then I opened it. The opening paragraph approved all of my fears.

"It's been a year... pretty much over a year, hasn't it? I'm actually pretty surprised you had the balls to send me an FR... so I have to give you props for that I suppose."

By now I about had a stroke, and I knew that this message would be on my mind for weeks, and would cause me so much stress.

Then the second paragraph took me by total and complete surprise.

"First off I guess I'll state this. Whitney, I don't hate you. You did a lot of shit to me... you burned me pretty hard. Our friendship was pretty strong back then, and you know what? You were one of my best friends... someone I trusted a lot... thought I could turn to..."

My heart was still pumping, and the words "I Don't Hate You" took off a lot of stress. Then I thought "What the... Hell?"

"But this letter isn't meant to be a bash-Whitney letter. It's... to clear things up I suppose. I don't like going to AO and AB and worrying about imposing drama between the two of us... it puts a huge damper on shit y'know? I hate it. And I hated hating you... I'm not a hateful person and it feels like this sick black ball deep inside my core... it's disgusting... so what I'm saying is... I don't think things could ever be like they were... but I'm willing to be civil... and kind of an acquaintance I suppose?"

I had to read this paragraph more than twice to take things in. Was this really happening? I have been waiting for a message like this for a long, long time, and I could not believe what I was reading.

"You did a lot of unforgivable things to me, and you know you did. I don't even have to say 'em. Sometimes as your friend I felt like I was being treated like a dog or a secondary friend... someone you hung with and liked when nobody else was around... I didn't like that. Y'know? It hurt me a lot... I don't know if you even realized that... but it did."

Of course I realized it, Deej... But it was too late to fix things when I had the chance... I had plans for you on your 24th Birthday, but alas, I was torn out of your life a few days before our Birthdays...

"I'm really sad that I ended up losing someone who I laughed with so much... had so many good times with... the park is one of my best memories, with you in your pigtails... gawd that was so long ago... I hope you realize what you've lost too... cuz that friendship was a pretty big thing for me... I think it's why I ended up holding so much malice toward you... I felt utterly betrayed... it hurt like a bitch. It still does."

And I do realize what I had. I have known this for a long, long time. But I knew/know there's nothing I can do to change the past, and I know there's nothing I can do to make up for it. As hard as I can try, there's no way. And I... As well... And as much as I try to avoid it... Hurt still...

"Anyway I guess I've said what I needed to say. I'm willing to be an acquaintance with you on facebook or at cons or when you're around Dana or whatever... I don't hate you. AO was really good, and I was really happy there was no drama."

This is... Such a relief. Sometimes, I don't even want to go to Conventions because I know something might happen, no matter how hard I avoid it. Something always goes down and I don't know why. I don't... Do anything. People just hear me say something wrong, people mistake my glances, but I really really do try to avoid Drama as much as I can. I'm very glad nothing had happened at AO this year. I'm actually very surprised nothing did. I know I wouldn't have started it, like always, but shit happens.

I have been Civil this whole time. And I would love to be Acquaintances. It's probably the closest I am going to get. He said nothing will ever be the same again, and that is very true. But, I am willing to admit, I really wish we could be more than Acquaintances someday... As much as I doubt that will happen, because I know he doesn't want anything to do with me besides that, I can still dream, right?

I had to read that message over and over before I could reply. I am still in disbelief. I never, ever thought, I would get a message like this...

And I am glad.

I am so, so happy.

When I replied, I was litterally in tears, thinking about how badly I had hurt him. DJ was one of my dearest, and closest friends. I could tell him anything. I treasured his and I's friendship more than he thinks. I know I made my mistakes, and I definately learned from them... And like I had said, there's nothing I could do to make it all up to him. As much as I'd like to.

Maybe now I'll be able to smile more...

...

:)

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